The Impeded Stream

It may be that when we no longer know what to do

we have come to our real work,

and that when we no longer know which way to go

we have come to our real journey.

The mind that is not baffled is not employed.

The impeded stream is the one that sings.

- Wendall Berry

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Chaos.

Most of us are no strangers to unsettlement in one form or another. We often feel that this turmoil, this feeling of bewilderment in our very bones will be the end of us. But will it? Might it actually be the beginning?

We prefer to live lives of ease. We’d like it if someone observing us would see the glassy image of pure undisturbed water. I know if I were to be gazed upon for any length of time, most would see everything from light ripples to cannon ball splashes at the water park. My life is not smooth.

However, I wonder if I’d even like it that way. Smooth. 

It’s not what my soul craves. 

My soul seems to need to be disturbed in order to grow. 

Caroline Myss writes “The moment you come to trust chaos, you see God clearly. Chaos is divine order, versus human order. Change is divine order, versus human order. When the chaos becomes safety to you, then you know you’re seeing God clearly.”

I had a terrible Saturday recently. I felt ruffled by everything said and done around me. My husband walked into the living room where I sat contemplating my misery, took one look at me, and walked back out. 

Because I have been in soul care for a good while now, I noticed what was happening. After I reveled in my upheaval for a bit, I opened my ears to the tapping at the door of my inner world. 

“Where are you, Kaylene?

What’s really happening? 

Is there an invitation in all of this chaos?”

I begin to feel God’s creative brooding and hovering over me, like a mother. Like at creation. 

I began to see that all this chaos I was feeling was a divine gift to move me. To change me from where I was to a few steps further toward where I am going. This was not punishment! In fact, it was more like, “let’s go the next step!”

I do not pray for bad days or perturbed water. I do not ask for chaos. 

(Who needs to do that when it’s so available these days?)

I do, however, want to be aware of the divine purpose and order in chaos. I want to notice my soul reaching out for more. I want to feel God’s hospitality in it and know I am safe in that space.

When the stream of my life develops impeding stones in it, I don’t want it to bother me. I want my life to sing.