The Great Undergoing

In the fall of 2015, I was well into a period I have often called, “The Great Undoing.” Striving, perfectionism, and performance were taking its toll on me. Major transitions with work leadership were underway. The pressure to prove I belonged and was good enough intensified.

I was undone and unmade — I fought down tears, afraid that if I cried, the tears would never stop and I would need to check into a mental institution.

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My inner being screamed, “You aren’t going to make it.” I was desperate for the right “God” program so I could “fix” me—pull myself up by the bootstraps and keep going. 

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Research and a friend led me to consider the Soul Care Institute (SCI). I did. It was a lifesaver; something that still feels like God did just for me. 

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The core values of beauty, intimacy and adventure connected with a longing I felt. In our first retreat we drove to a place where we settled near a river to rest in silence. I felt hope. The rhythms we were introduced to quieted my spirit. At the end of each retreat, I didn’t want to leave and go back to my life. It wasn’t until the last retreat that I finally felt I would be ok. I needed every minute of those two years.

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At SCI, my undoing gave way to new becoming. I had been striving to be a good Christian woman and worker, submissive and surrendered to leadership, silencing my voice and hiding. I was so afraid of making a mistake that would put me outside the will of God. In the company of my Listening Group and immersion in the readings, I found my everyday reality was an invitation for God to show up—and for me to show up. Hesitant at first, afraid to emerge from the shadows, I found my voice. I showed up for myself.

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There are so many gifts from those two years that are still with me. One of the greatest was hearing God say to me, “You decide,” as I considered leaving my work. He gave me “dignity of choice.” He invited me to name my pain and choose a path that would set me free. I am a spiritual director and retreat creator today because I learned to trust my deep longings and that my voice and presence are something I can offer for God’s Kingdom.

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