Testimonial Articles

The Great Undergoing

Niecy LoCricchio

In the fall of 2015, I was well into a period I have often called, “The Great Undoing.” Striving, perfectionism, and performance were taking its toll on me. Major transitions with work leadership were underway. The pressure to prove I belonged and was good enough intensified.

I was undone and unmade — I fought down tears, afraid that if I cried, the tears would never stop and I would need to check into a mental institution.

My inner being screamed, “You aren’t going to make it.” I was desperate for the right “God” program so I could “fix” me—pull myself up by the bootstraps and keep going. 

Research and a friend led me to consider the Soul Care Institute (SCI). I did. It was a lifesaver; something that still feels like God did just for me. 

The core values of beauty, intimacy and adventure connected with a longing I felt. In our first retreat we drove to a place where we settled near a river to rest in silence. I felt hope. The rhythms we were introduced to quieted my spirit. At the end of each retreat, I didn’t want to leave and go back to my life. It wasn’t until the last retreat that I finally felt I would be ok. I needed every minute of those two years.

At SCI, my undoing gave way to new becoming. I had been striving to be a good Christian woman and worker, submissive and surrendered to leadership, silencing my voice and hiding. I was so afraid of making a mistake that would put me outside the will of God. In the company of my Listening Group and immersion in the readings, I found my everyday reality was an invitation for God to show up—and for me to show up. Hesitant at first, afraid to emerge from the shadows, I found my voice. I showed up for myself.

There are so many gifts from those two years that are still with me. One of the greatest was hearing God say to me, “You decide,” as I considered leaving my work. He gave me “dignity of choice.” He invited me to name my pain and choose a path that would set me free. I am a spiritual director and retreat creator today because I learned to trust my deep longings and that my voice and presence are something I can offer for God’s Kingdom.

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